Narcissistic Relationships: Know Your Self-Worth, Do Not Accept Any Less

Narcissistic relationships put your self-love to the test.

As a little girl, I remember the fear and anxiety that abounded. I would fear my mother coming home or my older siblings reenacting the violence we grew up with. I was a child who grew up neglected, hungry, fearful, and received and witnessed physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. In the process of developing a sense of identity, I was not allowed to express my needs, discontent, or challenge authority. I learned to keep quiet. I learned that abuse was the norm. It became familiar. I heard over and over that I was dumb and a mistake. It became imprinted in me that I was worthless. By age 17, I made the decision to end my life and almost succeeded. I am glad I missed. I have spent my whole life undoing the harm that was done to me.

I have love for this child

The abuse, invalidation, and gaslighting were all I knew. I did not know safe and secure attachments. No one reassured me. No one told me I was loved. I did not know touch other than acts of violence. This predisposed me to be "easy prey" to those who know how to spot the emotional scars. There was molestation and sexual harassment almost as soon as I was entering young adulthood. I fell into the laps of a narcissist in my family that introduced me to new depths of manipulation, humiliation, control, and knew exactly the rules to a game I did not yet understand.

At a young age, I joined a religious cult. I call it a cult because they determine who you can talk to as friends or date. They dictate aspects of your life such as dress code, entertainment, and education. By the time I was a young woman, I had no worldly friends and was trained to not listen to any other source of knowledge than the church. I will call it out because it is healing to do so, it is the Jehovah's Witnesses. The organization was festering with sexual predators, narcissists, and so on.

Until a few weeks ago, I knew I had been abused but never connected the dots. The life situations described involved the same elements of narcissism as my last relationship. I have done so much self-work through the years. I have learned to love myself. Theoretically, I see my value. I could say I am doing well, really well. I have a job I love, friends, my needs are covered, and I can help my family too.

When the last narcissistic relationship started, I was trying to communicate my needs and set boundaries, but the moment I accepted the first silent treatment, I took a step backward and he took a step forward. Then the second silent treatment came along, the third, and then it became a pattern.

This person would explode for no valid reason, and I was terrified, and it caused me so much emotional and physical pain, but I loved him—or so I thought. The first time he yelled and called me hurtful names, he crossed a line, he disrespected me, and I allowed it. What I felt in my body is comparable to what I felt when I was a child and people inflicted pain on me. I should have walked away then.

I am grateful to be alive today

He never apologized or acknowledged how wrong it was to yell or call me hurtful names, and so he did it again. I put up with this toxic behavior out of love for him at the expense of my own self-love... and gradually my self-love and self-respect started getting depleted. He put me down. He made me question whether I knew who I was and what I wanted in life. If his ego was slightly threatened in the form of any feedback or me standing up for myself, he would also leave without properly attempting to talk things out or de-escalate. Leaving is another act of violence. I should have never allowed it.

“do not look for healing

at the feet of those

who broke you”

― Rupi Kaur, milk and honey

As I grieve the loss of what once felt like the most beautiful love story, I also grieve for the person I used to be. A part of me is gone now, and I can no longer believe in the love I thought was real. I find myself needing to reinvest in myself, even though that’s what I’ve been doing most of my adult life. The lesson I’ve learned is this: the longer you stay in a relationship with a narcissist, the deeper the wounds and the greater the erosion of your self-image, self-worth, and ability to love yourself. I lacked the courage to leave, so in a way, I’m grateful for his selfishness in walking away. Each day, I’m doing my best to move forward. The veil has been lifted, and I will never again settle for less than what I deserve.

“I didn't leave because

I stopped loving you,

I left because the longer

I stayed the less I loved myself.”

― Rupi Kaur

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