Understanding Radical Acceptance: A Personal Journey

Two weeks ago, I was certain I was going to marry the person I was dating. Then, overnight, everything changed. It felt like I was walking down a path only to hit a brick wall, and when I tried to turn back, the path was gone. It’s like I’m starting over in life. I’m now questioning if the love I felt was even real. I am uncertain it was real for him as it was for me.

Dealing with trauma bonds can be incredibly challenging. A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment formed in relationships marked by abuse. This might include threats, manipulation, control, shaming, gaslighting, and sabotage, mixed with occasional moments of calm and affection. According to Psychology Today, these extreme highs and lows strengthen the bond between the victim and the abuser, making it harder to leave the relationship.

In a recent podcast with Jay Shetty, Dr. Ramani discussed "radical acceptance." This concept involves fully recognizing that a narcissist won’t change and understanding how their behavior affects you. Dr. Ramani emphasized that radical acceptance is different from forgiveness. While empathy involves understanding the narcissist’s behavior, forgiveness isn’t necessary for your healing. Repeatedly forgiving an abuser can actually be harmful.

Dr. Ramani says that radical acceptance means letting go of the hope that the relationship will get better. Although a painful process, it helps you realize that narcissists are unlikely to change due to their rigid behavior patterns. Healthy people are adaptable and resilient, but narcissists often have a fixed, delusional self-image. Accepting the harsh reality allows a person to make better decisions about their relationships.

While I was dating a narcissist, I frequently felt bewildered by what triggered his explosive anger, stonewalling, and silent treatment—behaviors that are forms of abuse. Reading my old journal entries and messages now makes me cringe. He controlled every aspect of our interactions, leaving me constantly feeling at fault. Trying to talk him out of his anger was futile; I could never figure out what caused his outbursts, making it impossible to avoid conflicts.

Eric Swan, Swan Luxury Goods

Looking back, I need to accept that the person I loved was deeply sick and entirely unable to meet the hopes I had for our future. My ex was inflexible, unadaptable, and delusional. He will never admit he needs help, nor will he understand selfless love. He never learned and never will learn that a loving relationship requires effort and commitment. He lacks empathy, humility, and self-awareness.

He left me without a backward glance, leaving me with a mix of pain and shock. He claimed his love for me was unique, but he was able to turn his emotions on and off at will. He blocked previous partners, his mother, and his own children, and had no problem walking out on me just before major life events. He didn’t care about my safety, feelings, or well-being.

In the aftermath, I’ve had to practice radical acceptance. This is who he is, and this will never change. Going no contact is the best choice for my well-being. I’m using this opportunity to understand and address the long history of narcissistic dynamics I am finally able to see, from childhood to various harmful relationships, including this one.

The journey continues.

Eric Swan is a fraud.